If I Was A Stronger Man
by Vacuous Ataraxy
Summary: A solomn whisper; a declaration of defeat, renouncing his will to deceive any longer, laced with the bitter tone of guilt. "If I was a stronger man, I would have told you the truth before it had the opportunity to become a lie." His greatest lie of all.
1. Prelude

**PRELUDE**

_Rating (updated_ every _chapter):_** T**

_Warnings (updated_ _every_ _chapter):_** Un-betaed, references to homosexuality, sad Batman :'(**

Flames and constructive criticisms are more than welcome.

Enjoy!

**_-Vacuous__ Ataraxy-_**

Slitted white eyes narrow as the Batman monotonously observes Superman's face. The Kryptonian's gentle smile and crinkled cerulean eyes cut his soul more than anything had since his parent's deaths, and to Batman it feels like nothing else could hurt as much. Superman's face slowly goes out of focus, then disappears altogether. He blinks and finds himself in a more comfortable setting, the teleportation device finally having beamed him into his Batcave. The savior of Gotham stands silently for a few minutes, listening to the familiar sounds around him. The stalactites drip negligible amounts of dirtied rain water, and the bats above rustle their wings in acknowledgment of his presence. Batman waits patiently until he is sure his company is shared with the bats alone, and only then does he drop his guard and allow a pained groan to escape. Bruce tears his cowl from his face and drops it to the ground before he slumps to the floor heavily, huddling against the cold metal filing cabinets near his workout station. He drops his head to his chest, his breathing becoming slightly erratic as he attempts to quell the feeling of betrayal and unbridled hurt that figuratively constricts his heart. Living as Batman, Bruce has learned to easily control his emotions and discard any aspect of living that does not accelerate his goal of being a reliable guardian and ward for the people of Gotham, thus doing justice to the memories of his late parents, but after years of stoic acceptance of his role, the straw that broke the camel's back could not come soon enough.

Not five minutes before he collapsed in a miserable heap, Bruce left the Justice League as Batman, and the lot of them more or less did nothing to stop him from doing so. After his contingency plans were stolen and used adversely, they obviously found out that he has kept files on all of them. Of course his plans had put all of their lives in danger, but they were obviously not intended to be used in that way. They were _tampered with, _twisted and imbued with lethal aspects to be used against them all. His plans were meant to temporarily immobilize in the rare case that one or all of them would be subjected to mind control, or something of the sort, and used as war puppets. _Never _were they meant to kill. It isn't necessarily his fault that they ended up in the wrong hands, and he had done everything in his power to save his teammate's lives in the end because it is his duty to right his wrongs. He assumed his comrades would appreciate his insight for having backup plans for the absolute worst situation, but they had reacted in the complete opposite direction. They were angry with him for keeping tabs on them, for observing their weaknesses and strengths, for learning everything he could about them because he cared enough for all of them to keep them alive if they somehow turned evil..

Superman's actions are the hardest for him to bear.

His... _infatuation_ with the red and blue clad hero had begun within the couple of days following their first meeting. It was nothing he could help, he realized after months of failed attempts at trying to forget what he thought to be a simple passing desire. And even now, years and years later, he will not dare to call it love, because love is an emotion that he can't afford to tie himself down with, not as Bruce Wayne and certainly not as Batman. All he knows is that he cares for Clark with an immense passion, and keeping that under lock all these years has been a breeze, what with Clark being such a beacon of trust and friendly understanding. Not to mention Bruce values Clark's friendship enough to respect his life by not injecting himself into it even more than he already has. Bruce will not risk losing Clark forever by driving him away with an admission of desire. No matter how pure he feels his intentions are, Bruce is logical enough not to take the chance. Not only that, but the thought is just unrealistic to Bruce. Him and Clark _involved with each other,_ it sounds like a rampant fantasy made to entertain vacuous fools. Though this restraint does not change how he feels or how much he wants the unadulterated love of the other man, so when Superman himself stood up and declared that a vote should be taken for the fate of Batman's position in the Justice League, Batman's resolve had melted away and been replaced with such a desperate pain that he had forced himself to stand on his own two feet and leave before he visibly broke down in front of his once-trusted allies.

Clark Kent is his best friend and only confidant outside of Alfred, so that also makes him the only other one person in the world able to break Bruce's emotional barriers down to nothing. Bruce trusts Clark with his life, and he would trust him with Alfred's, too, so how Clark had reacted also made Bruce unable to even consider staying in the Justice League any longer. If the only person who tethered him there most likely did not wish him there, then he was gone. 'Most likely', because Clark hadn't directly spoken any ill-will towards him, but Bruce could see his disappointment and anger as clearly as he could see the sparkling depths of his blue eyes or the bright arch of his magnificent smile.

There is little comfort in the Kryptonite pebble Superman had presented him with before he left. Bruce opens his palm and casts bitter eyes over the box containing Superman's greatest weakness. On any other occasion, it would have been a true honor to receive this, to know that he is the only one Clark trusts with his weakness... But it feels like a hot bolt of shame. Clark trusted him, and what did Bruce do? Almost killed him, that's what. His plans, no matter how good natured they were intended to be, now only hang over his head as reminders of his extreme failure. He had told the League that he wouldn't defend his actions, and that if given the option to redo the past, he would make the same choice... Now though he is not so sure. Those plans costed him his relationships with the best people he knew. He can't be mad at them, especially not with Clark, but he does feel sick. He is nauseated and wrought with pain and guilt, wondering if he made the right decision by leaving. In the end, he chose to leave because he couldn't face his friends, he couldn't face _Clark, _knowing that either way the hand was dealt out, he had failed them. He grits his teeth, barely wincing when his jaw creaks in protest at the action. He is alone, he amends himself. A moment of weakness in a time of need... if nobody else can see it, then it never happened in the first place. This thought comforts him in an obscure way, and he lets out a choked sob in response. He inhales a shaky breath, another low and pained sob erupting from his throat on the exhale. His shoulders begin to shake as his resolve slips into oblivion completely. For the first time since he was twelve, Bruce Wayne succumbs to his pain and cries.

A man lost in his own mounting grief, a long and loud whine is his response to the world. He curls in on himself, the muscled man now comparable to a lost child. If Clark didn't care, then what was he? Brucie, the air headed yet respectable playboy with no sense of logic or reality. That's _all_ he is without the acceptance of Superman. Bruce Wayne and Batman had come to depend on Clark as an anchor to sanity, a beacon of safety that Bruce would never knowingly compromise. Superman is apart of his identity, both of them. Batman needs Superman and Bruce needs Clark. He cries softly now, his own weakness frustrating his already frayed nerves. He can't tell if he is over thinking things, and irrationality is not commonplace for him. He knows he hasn't lost Clark's friendship, but he also knows that his trust in him is compromised, and that is enough within itself to bring him to his knees. Was he weak for breaking down like an infant child, or was he merely human? Why can't Clark and the others understand his reasons for his actions?

_(crunch, crunch)_

Bruce freezes solid, and he holds his breath as if he is already dead.

_He_ _isn't_ _alone._

"Bruce, please don't cry..."


	2. Help!

Hello, dear readers! Faustus here, and I am in need of your help!

For those of you who are following my story If I Were A Stronger Man, allow me to express my genuine and humble gratitude that you took the time to read it. It is the people who support my writing that motivate my imagination. And that is what I am in need of assistance for, incidentally. I have been chipping away at the first chapter of that story, but cannot seem to quit going back and nitpick my own work. I think it may even be unnecessary. I need a fresh pair of eyes to proofread what I have so far, so I can move on finish up the chapter! Is there any of you out there who is, or happens to know of, an active beta reader who would like to... be mine? c:

Please? :3

If you have any questions or comments, feel free to inbox me!

Much love,

Faustus {{Vacuous Ataraxy}}


End file.
